He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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