Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
