is your mom at the bar?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
