you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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