you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
