Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize