Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
