My room smells like vodka and shame
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
