there's paper in my vomit.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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