I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
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