New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Maybe he injected his testicle?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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