how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
