A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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