i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
