god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
