When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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