Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
