mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
