I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
