oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
