Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
