Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
