we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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