Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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