if you like me you must not know who I am
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
