I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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