You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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