Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Damn victory sex feels great
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
