I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
