I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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