after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
