So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
