my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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