Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
