There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
