Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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