at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
