Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
