i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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