rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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