Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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