I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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