i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
