He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
