Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
