you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
