shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
