What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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