I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize