you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
