I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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