I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
