I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
