If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
