My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I AM VODKA MAN
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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