I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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