i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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