So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
they need to just BURY HIM!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
