When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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